My Journey through Miscarriage: Part 3

{Part 3}

Thursday, November 12

I went to work. I thought I was okay with the fact that I had just scheduled a D and C. It was all going to be over and I could move on. But, no.

Throughout the entire day, I broke down at random times. I cried in the bathroom, I cried in my office, I cried in the arms of my boss. I just cried. I cried all day!

I left work at lunch for the day because I was so anxious. I could not focus. When I am at work I need to be on my game and I wasn't. I went to lunch with my mom and brother and that is exactly what I needed. I needed to be with my family and with people who make me laugh. 

After lunch I had a phone call with a friend of a friend. My friend, Meagan, who is also a fellow mommy blogger (check her out here!) had told me about one of her friends who had gone through the same thing I had since I have never known anyone to go through miscarriage. That phone call was a call straight from God. She encouraged me, she told me it was okay to grieve, she told me that I will feel empty but He can fulfill me. She said it was okay to cry, okay to be angry, okay to go to therapy if needed. And most importantly it is okay to ask for help and if people offer TAKE IT! In our 1 hour phone call I got to speak to someone who really understand what I am going through.

Some of my key takeaways from that phone call are:

•   I will look at someone who is pregnant and wish that was me and that is okay.
• I will be upset when I see a young girl who is not supposed to be pregnant and be mad that its not me and that's okay.
• I will grieve for the rest of my life.
• I will grieve at what would have been my gender reveal appointment, at what would have been their due date, their birthday, and play time that could have been with Remington.
• I will miss that baby at Jessica's wedding that is June 18th, just 2 weeks after my due date.
• I will miss that baby on my Birthday and Wedding anniversary.
• They are all okay.

Some of the things I will never see or know or even do with Baby #2:

• Remington will not get to wear the shirt I got him to fit this time of year that says 'Holy Buck, I'm going to be a big brother'.
• I will never get to do a pregnancy announcement for Baby Perry #2, only a death announcement.
• He will never get to play with this baby.
• I will never know if this baby was going to be my daughter, Winchester, or my son Raylon.
• What would they have been like? Sports, academics, college, careers, families.
• When will I celebrate their actual birthday? The day it stopped growing? The day the miscarriage was finally over?

These are the things I think about. This is why I get upset. If you see me all I need is a hug and you to say "It will be okay."



xoxo,