Girls Night!

I am so thankful for my family. I planned a Girls Night with my mom and two sisters! I always have a blast with them.

I planned a fun night out at Painting with a Twist! My mom is a big snowman fan and so I chose the 'There's Snow Place Like Home' painting! Happy Early Birthday, Momma! I love you!

xoxo,

A New Way to my Heart

When you go through something like me and my family have, a lot of people ask if there is anything they can do. Most of the time you say 'oh, no, I'm okay, thank you anyways'. 'I think we are good' is also a biggie.

The most important thing you can do is to offer. 'May I bring you dinner or lunch?' 'Can I pray for you?' 'Would you like to talk?'

I had to open up and let people in. I let people bring me dinner, lunch, pray for me call me to talk, even if we didn't talk about what was going on. All I need is words of encouragement. I have received cards, texts, phone calls, and hugs.  

We appreciate everything everyone has done. I want to thank the ones that have reached out a helping hand and made me feel loved. Thank you to those of you who brought us meals! They were delicious!

To those of you who have told me I am brave, I am courageous, I am strong. I want to thank you. I love that you see those qualities in me. I have learned to listen to those and now believe those. I do deal with loss very differently than others and I didn't think that made me brave to speak out about it but now I see it does. If I can help just 1 person that has to go through this, it is all worth it!  


Thank you and I love you!

Just some of the sweet words sent to me!

xoxo,

Mommy and Remi

Remington is my light. He loves me for who I am and who I want to be. I can be anything I want to be and he will love me and think I'm beautiful.

This past weekend was amazing. I spent 2 full days with my buddy bear!

Friday morning we woke up and had breakfast together in the car. Thank you McDonald's! Remington's favorite is pancakes! Yummy! We then made our way to MOPs. We had a great drop off and a great meeting. I loved this meeting. I will post on it later!

Remi and I went to eat lunch and came home for a quick nap and then headed to the Scott Family Amazeum!

Remington checking the chickens for eggs!

Going to the house to cook momma eggs!

Cheese!

Row, row, row your boat!

Walking across blocks.

Building something cool!

Cleaning his painting up.

He loves that he can do this now.

Packing and sorting blocks!

Here comes the shipment!

Grocery shopping!

Excited to see the 'rawrs'!

Tired baby!

At the end of the day, Remi was plum worn out!

Saturday was a blast!! Haircut, Gymnastic Joe's, Lunch and cookies, Amazeum (again) and dinner!

Thumbs UP!

Summersaults!

I needed this so much! I am so blessed with what I have and it helps me move forward. I love my little man. He's perfect in my eyes!

Spend time with your kiddos! I always make an effort to have mommy/son dates and they make me feel whole!

xoxo,

Success!

Tonight Today we had success!
 
Remington had a great day at school. He played very well. No attitude tonight after school.
Helped me make dinner, turned his iPad in the first time he was asked. No crying at bedtime.
 
YES!!!!

xoxo,

No Watching.....

We do almost anything to get our kids to listen.

We give in, we offer things, we bribe. We do anything.

After the last few weeks without being on a routine schedule and kind of being numb to anything around me, I finally had enough.

Enough of the crying, enough of the screaming, enough back talking. I had given in just like any of us would have done not to deal with the situation at hand.

I used to give Remington his 'watch' (iPad) whenever he went to bed. He used to watch for about 30 minutes to calm down then he would go right to bed. But not lately. Remington would stay up until 11:00 watching his iPad. His behavior was getting horrible. I've talked to a few moms about this issue and they said the more screen time they had on their iPad was a direct correlation to their behavior.

This had to change. I need some peace and quiet.

The rules for the iPad and watching T.V. have changed.

1. No iPad allowed in his bedroom or the kitchen!
2. No iPad after 7:30.
3. He must play with his toys for at least 30 minutes each night.
4. We will read 2 books starting at 8:00 (his bedtime) each night.
5. Time to start winding down is at 7:30. This means no rough housing, watching, playing.
6. If any rules are broken we have enforced a "Time-Out Bottle". If Remington does not listen he will sit down with his bottle filled with water, glitter glue and glitter. I used this site to learn how to make it! He loves it and it really does calm him down!

We shall see how long this lasts and hopefully I will see a change in his behavior.

WISH US LUCK!!! :)

(just a FYI the glue will be clumpy for a few days then it will dissolve. I also added hot water instead of cold water.)


xoxo,

My Journey through Miscarriage: Part 4

{Part 4}


Friday, November 13.

My D and C.

We had to be at the hospital at 5 am and surgery was at 7:30 am. Funny thing is my mother also had surgery at the same hospital, same check in time, same surgery time but another procedure. (everything went well) We both came in our monogrammed pj's she got us for Christmas a few years ago. I loved it!

I took a anti anxiety medication around 4 am just to calm me down a little. If you know me, you know I am a little anxious when it comes to things! I am a worrier. I think of the worst and hope for the best! I'm that person.

I get called back and vitals are being taken and then they have to give me an IV and get some blood work for the lab! I took my purple fuzzy blanket in and everyone loved it! They let me take it back to the OR with me too! :) I was freezing! They have me some fluids and it made me soooo cold! I didn't have to go to holding like most patients did so Travis and my Dad were there when they have me more anxiety medication through my IV. I was loopy within 45 seconds. I think even asked to talk some home. Not too sure though! I gave my kisses and they wheeled me back into the OR. All I remember is them putting a mask on my face and letting me breathe some oxygen. Then I woke up in the post  operative room! My nurses were very nice and helped a lot!

I got to see Travis shortly after that and got dressed and said good by to my mommy and daddy and headed home!

My procedure went very well Dr. Hardman told Travis. We have a scheduled follow up in 2 weeks. Pray for a quick and easy recovery! Here's to a relaxing weekend!

xoxo,

My Journey through Miscarriage: Part 3

{Part 3}

Thursday, November 12

I went to work. I thought I was okay with the fact that I had just scheduled a D and C. It was all going to be over and I could move on. But, no.

Throughout the entire day, I broke down at random times. I cried in the bathroom, I cried in my office, I cried in the arms of my boss. I just cried. I cried all day!

I left work at lunch for the day because I was so anxious. I could not focus. When I am at work I need to be on my game and I wasn't. I went to lunch with my mom and brother and that is exactly what I needed. I needed to be with my family and with people who make me laugh. 

After lunch I had a phone call with a friend of a friend. My friend, Meagan, who is also a fellow mommy blogger (check her out here!) had told me about one of her friends who had gone through the same thing I had since I have never known anyone to go through miscarriage. That phone call was a call straight from God. She encouraged me, she told me it was okay to grieve, she told me that I will feel empty but He can fulfill me. She said it was okay to cry, okay to be angry, okay to go to therapy if needed. And most importantly it is okay to ask for help and if people offer TAKE IT! In our 1 hour phone call I got to speak to someone who really understand what I am going through.

Some of my key takeaways from that phone call are:

•   I will look at someone who is pregnant and wish that was me and that is okay.
• I will be upset when I see a young girl who is not supposed to be pregnant and be mad that its not me and that's okay.
• I will grieve for the rest of my life.
• I will grieve at what would have been my gender reveal appointment, at what would have been their due date, their birthday, and play time that could have been with Remington.
• I will miss that baby at Jessica's wedding that is June 18th, just 2 weeks after my due date.
• I will miss that baby on my Birthday and Wedding anniversary.
• They are all okay.

Some of the things I will never see or know or even do with Baby #2:

• Remington will not get to wear the shirt I got him to fit this time of year that says 'Holy Buck, I'm going to be a big brother'.
• I will never get to do a pregnancy announcement for Baby Perry #2, only a death announcement.
• He will never get to play with this baby.
• I will never know if this baby was going to be my daughter, Winchester, or my son Raylon.
• What would they have been like? Sports, academics, college, careers, families.
• When will I celebrate their actual birthday? The day it stopped growing? The day the miscarriage was finally over?

These are the things I think about. This is why I get upset. If you see me all I need is a hug and you to say "It will be okay."



xoxo,

My Journey through Miscarriage: FAQ's and statements asked to Me

Here is a list I have complied over the last 2 weeks of this journey. This is not to make anyone feel bad at all. This is to inform you on what is going on through a mothers mind that just miscarried that baby she really wanted.

• Are you okay? Do you need anything?
• Most of the time I am okay and do not need anything.
• Most of the time I just need you to check in and ask the question.

• When will you start trying for another baby?
• We are not sure. I just lost my baby to miscarriage. I do not know when I want to have another baby. I think about going through this pain and loss again and even think about not having another baby. We have Remington and he is perfect right now. It is okay to ask this question but please do not pry.
• In the past I would even ask this question, not now. I know how much it pains a parent that just lost their baby to even answer or think about that question.
• How did it feel?
• It hurt while taking the medication. Really badly. I have felt fine after the D and C.
• Do you know why you miscarried?
• No. I know 1 in 4 pregnancy's end in miscarriage. Dr. Hardman thinks it may have to do with something chromosomal and I would have miscarried the baby later but happy that it was sooner.
• At least you miscarried at 6 weeks and not further.
• This is something I have even told people but I do not believe it. I miscarried my baby and that's not okay. Not at 6 weeks not at 6 months. I wished and prayed that it never happened.
• This is something I do not like to hear.
• Be thankful for that you have Remington. 
• No shit! I am so very thankful that I already have a healthy son that I love dearly. I am thankful for him every single day. Why would I not be? I want another baby and that chance slipped away from me. Yeah we can possibly have another but what if we can't? This is something I have wanted for a long time and its gone.
• At least you know you can get pregnant.
• I have the upmost respect for my friends and people I know that are going through IVF right now. I know how much they want a baby and they DESERVE a family. Yes I know I am capable of getting pregnant but what about those moms that can't? What do you have to say about them? Keep them in mind to.
• And the most annoying thing someone could say or ask me?
• Did they check your levels? Is it because you had your Mirena taken out too soon? Why didn't this find it sooner? Why didn't you have any symptoms the 3 weeks the baby wasn't alive? Why this why that why why why!?!?!?!?!?
• My answer, I DON'T KNOW. ALL I KNOW IS THAT MY BABY IS DEAD AND THERE IS NOT A RIGHT OR A WRONG ANSWER AT THIS POINT!! Remember what I said about prying? This applies here too!
• Last but not least, if you feel like you have said something and I make a face, I'm sorry. It is just not something I wanted to hear. If you feel like you have said something and later felt offence to it and don't know what to say? A simple sorry will do.

Traivs and I are taking this time to heal. We have lost a child that will forever ben in our hearts. Please pray for us as we grieve and move through this process. Thank you for trying to understand. Know that we are taking everyday as a blessing and we know that each day is a gift that is only guaranteed today.


xoxo,

My Journey through Miscarriage: Part 2

{Part 2}

Monday, Nobember, 2nd I spoke to my boss and I just did not feel physically or mentally ready to go back to work. I even had the person who is taking over my position starting that day! I just couldn't go. I stayed home and took Remington to Mrs. Jana's to play with all of his friends instead of moping around with mom all day.  I did not leave my bed but maybe 2 times that whole day.

Oh, and by the way, I am going to be a stay at home mom come February!! Eeek! So excited! 

By Tuesday the 3rd, I was ready to see my co-workers and work family. I needed some comfort and structure back. I was really excited to see them and my patients!

Side note: I had a couple who I adore come in that day and the week previous he told me I better bring in some ultrasound pictures of that precious baby so I can see them! He in turn, asked me to see the ultrasound pictures and he was the first patient I had to tell that I miscarried. This patient is 77 years old and felt horrible. I let him know it wasn't his fault and I was going to tell him anyways!

On Tuesday, November 3rd I called Dr. Hardman's office and let them know I have not bled for over 24 hours. They said that was really good news and led to good signs. I rescheduled my appointment from Friday, November 6th to Wednesday, November 4th. As I was driving up to the hospital by myself I felt a panic attack coming. I calmed down by taking deep breaths and remember all the good that came out of this hospital. I delivered Remi here!

I go in, check in and wait. Waiting is always hard! I get called back for my 2:30 appointment and Dr. Hardman preforms another internal ultrasound. Her face turns from hope and joy to sadness. The baby and the entire miscarriage is still there. I see my dead baby for the 2nd time. Something I didn't want to do. My heart sank. I thought it was all over but it wasn't.

What do we do next? Do we move to option 3 right away? We sat there and she answered all my questions. We decieded on doing another round of Cytotec. She warned me it could hurt worse this time. I took that into consideration.

I went and got my pills refilled, paid another $17.00 and hoped this would work this time. I was so discouraged. I was ready for it to be over with so I could grieve and move on. But nope!

Take the first 4 pills at 4:00 pm, cramping starts around 7:00 pm, bad. (I've never felt a contraction but I'm sure that is what I was feeling.) 10:00 pm I take another 2 pills. Contraction type cramping lasted from 7pm to 4 am. I was waddling around the house not trying to wake anyone up. Cried more than I have in a long time. More bleeding this round. This HAS  to be working I think.

I finally got to sleep around 4-5 am. Took 2 more pills and my pain medication. Got up at 8:30 to take Remington to school and came back home and took some ibuprofen and went back to sleep. Woke up around 1 pm and took my last 2 pills. At this point I was still having some contraction like cramps but not as bad as during the night.

It had to have happened! Right?!

My next appointment was on November 11th. I went in head held I and I was sure it was over! Dr. Hardman had me in the same ultrasound room I've been in. I teased and said, "Isn't there another room?" She laughed. She preformed another internal ultrasound, again her face turned from happiness to sadness. IT WAS STILL THERE!

She suggested that since we have done 2 rounds of the Cytotec and I had that much pain with the 2nd round that she said that we needed to do the D and C. So I said, OKAY.

We sat and talked about the procedure and what to expect and not expect. How long it should take and all of my post operative care. We scheduled it for Friday, November 13th. (good thing I'm not superstitious)

I felt good. I felt that it was all going to be over on Friday.

Update coming soon on how the surgery day went!

xoxo,

My Journey Through Miscarriage: Part 1

  
{Part 1:}


October 30th, the day I found out I had miscarried my baby. The day I found out that my 2nd baby would never be able to be held by me, be rocked to sleep by my husband or be able to play with our son, Remington, who is 2.

Remember the options I did not want to speak of in my last post? Well, here they are. I wasn't ready then, but am now. Dr. Hardman did not want to make me make a decision right away but I knew I needed to. She left the room and Travis and I held each other while I cried, NO. I wanted Dr. Hardman to come in and give the pros and cons of each option.

1. Miscarry naturally, Dr. Hardman said. Miscarry naturally? I absolutely did not like this idea. I had already been carrying around a 6 week old dead baby in my stomach thinking I was okay and that the baby was healthy. At the time of the appointment I should have been 9 weeks and 1 day. That means I have carried this baby for 3 weeks with no heartbeat. How could I do this for up to another 5? NO was my answer. Absolutely not!
2. Cytotec is a medication that causes the miscarrying process. You can have some cramping, lite bleeding to heavy bleeding, and contractions. Most common, but possible to have to take more than one round.
3. D and C (Dilation and Curettage). I asked Dr. Hardman to list of pros and cons of this. The pro was that the surgery would take about 30-45 minutes and be over with. No more baby, no more miscarriage. The cons were that I would need to be put under general anesthesia and have out-patient surgery, there are always risks of going under that are not pleasant. Other cons included, perforation of the uterus, shortening of the cervix, blood loss and decreased chances of becoming pregnant again.

Travis and I talked with Dr. Hardman for a while on these. I chose option #2. I wanted to try this because it had a great success rate. I didn't have to be put to sleep but I could experience some pain with this. They have me pain medicine for that though! Whew! Dr. Hardman stated that her colleagues have had miscarriages and they try this route first.

Option #1 was completely off the table. Uh no, thanks! Option #2 is what we went with. Option #3 is last chance route.  

We leave the doctors office and get the medication filled. I take 4 pills at 10 am. By 4 pm I notice some cramping and some bleeding. I take another 2 at 6:00 pm. By 11:00 pm the cramps feel like the worst period I have ever been on. I finally fall asleep after the long day around 1 am. I wake up and take another 2 pills at 5 am on Saturday, October 31st, Halloween, and a pain medication. The pain medication I am taking keeps me up, so I couldn't go back to sleep. Me and the heating pad head towards the living room and watch DVR shows. At 9 am I take my last dose of 2 pills and the bleeding stops on Sunday around 5 pm.

At this point, I've lost some weight so I'm thinking this is over. We would find out on Friday, November 6, what fate would have in store.


Check out my next post to find out what happened at my next doctors appointment!


xoxo,







To find out more about Dr. Mary P. Hardman visit http://www.wregional.com/herhealth

I am 1 in 4

September 20, 2015. 3 weeks pregnant. The day I took a pregnancy test. It was POSITVIE! We were so excited. We told my family and Travis' family. That day was a great day! I called the doctors office the next day to schedule my first appointment. I got in right away and had all my blood work done and went over the financial plan. It was the start of something good, Baby Perry #2 was on their way!

October 5, 2015. 5 1/2 weeks pregnant.Morning sickness kicks in. I had no clue what this was. When I was pregnant with Remington I had no signs of morning sickness! At all. None. This time it kicked me down! Amazon.com to the rescue! Preggie Pop Drops were on their way! That week was hard. I was nauseas, had headaches, extremely exhausted and just wanted to be home. When my Preggie Pop Drops came in it was like heaven was being delivered! Just what I needed.

October 23, 2015. 8 weeks 1 day pregnant. My Ultrasound was scheduled for 8:30 a.m. I was so ready! I got back to work and realized that I had a meeting that day! Darn it! Oh, well. What is one more week? I reschedule it for October 30th. The day before Halloween! HURRY UP WEEK!!!

October 30, 2015. 9 weeks 1 day pregnant. The day that changed my life. The day I never expected to happen. The day I will never forget. The day I found out I Miscarried. This day will remain in my head for a long time. This day will be a day of remembrance for the baby I never got to meet. I will remember the time line perfectly my entire life. 

• 7:00- wake up, get Remington dressed in his Spiderman Costume for his school party! (He hates going to doctors) Drop him off and head to get daddy!
• 8:10- Pick up Travis at work. See Debbie, she asks how we will know if there are 2 in my belly! (I had a feeling) Leave the office and head to see the doctor!!  
• 8:27- Arrive at HerHealth for my 8:30 appointment. Travis and I are talking about what we are going to wear to Christmas parties. He needs an ugly sweater to win a contest at work. We design that out.
• 8:40-The nurse calls us back. Tells us Congratulations! I drop my things off in the appointment room and go get my weight and leave a urine sample! (normal procedure)
• 8:50-Dr. Hardman enters the room! Congratulations she says! Are you ready to see the baby? OF COURSE!!! She turns off the lights. The ultrasound is ready. We get the picture up and all I hear is "That is concerning". Why? What is going on? The picture did not look normal. I couldn't see the baby. Where was it? Where was MY baby? Oh, there it is. Why is it so small? Why are there sacs everywhere? What happened?
• 9:00- Dr. Hardman has another ultrasound tech come in to confirm the news. I miscarried at 6 weeks. 6 weeks. 6 weeks.
• Time stands still at this point.- There are options on what to do. (No details here. Sorry)
• We leave. Heartbroken. Lost. What just happened?

We go and tell my mom the news. We go and tell Debbie, Travis' mom the news. I call my best friend Tori and tell her the news. I go home. I cry, I cry until I can't open my eyes. I tell our families. I tell work girls. I tell my MOPs family. The whole day time went by so slowly. Slower than it ever has. Slower than labor with Remington, if that is even possible.

I will remember this weekend always. Baby #2 will always hold a special place in our hearts.

The reason I tell my story is because it needs to be told. How can anyone know what you are going through if you don't share? I think that loss is something that needs to be talked about. I feel like it is kept so hushed. People grieve differently and I feel like I need to express what I am going through and let people know what I am facing.

I love you all and I thank you for all of your love and support during this difficult time. We really appreciate it.


xoxo,